Are You Gaslighting Yourself Without Realising It? Here’s How to Stop

I’ve been reflecting on the term “gaslighting” lately.
It’s a word we seem to hear more and more often.  Usually in the context of someone else’s behaviour towards you.

But what if the gaslighting that’s most harmful isn’t the kind that comes from others…
but the kind that quietly comes from within?

The things we say to ourselves, day after day.
The doubts we repeat so often they start to sound like facts.
The beliefs we’ve absorbed over time that quietly tell us who we can be and who we can’t.

Before I go any further, I want to make something really clear.
I’m in no way downplaying the seriousness of being on the receiving end of gaslighting from someone else. That kind of manipulation is incredibly damaging, and it’s not what this piece is about.

This post is an invitation (a gentle and compassionate one) to notice the ways you might be unintentionally gaslighting yourself.
To become aware of how often you might dismiss your feelings, doubt your worth, or believe things that simply aren’t true… just because they’ve been repeated for so long.

What Is Self-Gaslighting?

Self-gaslighting happens when we invalidate or minimise ourselves, our own emotions, experiences, or instincts.
It sounds like:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “I should be better than this.”

• “Who am I to think I can do that?”

• “If people knew this, they would think _________ about me.”

Sound familiar?
Most of us have a steady stream of these thoughts running in the background- so familiar we don’t even question them anymore.

But here’s the thing: those beliefs weren’t born inside you.
They were conditioned. Picked up from parents, teachers, workplaces, culture – even friends or partners.  Often they were well meaning, but coming from the limiting beliefs of the person offering them.  Over time, they become part of your own inner narrative, shaping what you believe is possible.

And just like external gaslighting, they make you doubt your truth.

The Hidden Cost of Self-Gaslighting

When you repeatedly (albeit unintentionally) invalidate your own voice, you disconnect from your intuition.
You start second-guessing yourself; playing small, hesitating to speak up, or holding back from opportunities that could expand you.

I’ve seen this so often in my coaching practice.
One client used to constantly tell herself that people would judge her if she stuck to her guns. She’d second guess possible reactions, imagine consequences and worst case scenarios.  
That internal story stopped her from setting healthy boundaries in her business which were essential for its sustainable growth.

Once she learned, with my help, to recognise this pattern and release it, everything changed.
She began speaking with confidence, setting and sticking to clear boundaries, charging what she deserved to receive, and her business grew hugely.

Another client came to me ready to give up his career in the City.
His self-talk had become so relentlessly negative that he genuinely believed he wasn’t capable. He was experiencing anxiety and headaches and was seriously considering retraining as a black cab driver instead.
Through our work together, he started challenging those internal narratives, reconnecting with his strengths, and rebuilding his self-belief.
Today, he’s one of the top performers in his field globally.

This is the power of awareness.
When you stop gaslighting yourself, your world opens up.

How to Stop Self-Gaslighting (Gently)

If you recognise yourself in any of this, please don’t add another layer of judgment. 
This isn’t about blame, it’s about awareness and compassion. 💫

Here are a few steps you can take:

1. Notice your inner dialogue.

Start to observe the things you say to yourself automatically. Awareness is the first step in breaking the pattern.

2. Name the origin.

Ask yourself: Where did this belief come from? Was it really mine to begin with? Often, it’s something we picked up long ago and never questioned.

3. Replace with truth.

When you catch a self-gaslighting thought, consciously choose a more supportive one. For example, instead of “I can’t cope with this,” try “What is the reality?  What actually needs doing and what I can get done?”

4. Validate your feelings.

Whatever you feel is valid. You don’t have to justify it or compare it to others’ experiences.  Allow yourself to feel it.  This is important and I have a whole blog post about that here:  Processing Emotions

5. Seek support.

Sometimes we need an external mirror to help us see clearly. A coach, therapist, or trusted friend can help you untangle what’s really going on beneath those old patterns.

The Invitation

You deserve to feel safe in your own mind; to trust yourself, back yourself, and honour your truth.

If you recognise that you’ve been caught in the loop of self-gaslighting or harsh self-talk, I’d love to help you shift that pattern.
Together, we can uncover the deeper beliefs holding you back and start creating new ones that empower your growth instead.

Because when you stop invalidating your own power, life expands in ways you can’t yet imagine.

✨ If this resonates, consider booking a discovery call with me.
Or, if you’d like to explore at your own pace first, you can download my free workbook — Your Secret Success Portal — to start uncovering your hidden blocks and building the foundations of true self-trust.